Why is asking so important? In the Information Age, leaders must manage knowledge workers. Peter Drucker has defined knowledge workers as people who know more about what they are doing than their boss does. It is hard to tell people what to do and how to do it when they already know more than we do. In today’s rapidly changing world, we need to ask, listen and learn from everyone around us.

Research shows that asking works. Howard Morgan and I recently published a study involving more than 11,000 leaders and 86,000 of their co-workers from eight major corporations. Our findings were clear: Leaders who ask, listen, learn and consistently follow up are seen as becoming more effective. Leaders who don’t ask don’t get much better. A few years ago, Alyssa Freas joined us in a similar study with customers and discovered nearly identical results. External customer satisfaction goes up when customer service representatives ask, listen, learn and follow up.

In addition to being supported by research, asking is just common sense. When people ask us for our input, listen to us, try to learn from us and follow up to see if they are getting better, our relationship with them improves.

This seems simple and obvious—so why don’t we do it?

Reviews of summary 360-degree feedback involving thousands of leaders from more than 50 organizations have shown that when the item “Asks people what he or she can do to improve” is included in the company’s leadership inventory, it almost always falls near the bottom (if not in last place) in terms of employee satisfaction. As a rule, leaders don’t ask.

I recently asked the vice president of customer satisfaction in a major organization if his employees should be asking their key customers for feedback—listening, learning and following up to ensure service keeps getting better. “Of course,” he replied.

“How important it this to your company?” I asked. “It’s damn important!” he exclaimed.

I then lowered my voice and asked, “Have you ever asked your wife for feedback on how you can become a better husband?” He stopped, thought for a second, and sighed, “No.”

“Who is more important—your company’s customers or your wife?” I asked. “My wife, of course,” he replied.

“If you believe in asking so much, why don’t you do it at home?” I inquired. He ruefully admitted, “Because I am afraid of the answer.”

Why don’t most of us ask—even though we know we should? We don’t ask, because we are afraid of the answers.

Let me give you a personal example. I am 55 years old, and at my age, one type of input that I should be asking for every year is a physical exam. I managed to avoid this exam, for not one or two years, but seven years. How did I successfully avoid a physical exam for seven years? What did I keep telling myself? I will do it when I quit traveling so much. I’ll go after I begin my “healthy foods” diet. I will get that exam after I get in shape.

Have you ever told yourself the same thing? Who are we kidding? The doctor? Our families? No, we are only kidding ourselves.

My suggestions are very simple:

• As a leader: Get in the habit of asking key co-workers for their ideas on what needs to be done. Thank them for their input, listen to them, learn as much as you can, incorporate the ideas that make the most sense and follow up to ensure that real, positive change is occurring.

• As a coach: Encourage the people you are coaching to ask questions, listen to the answers and learn from everyone around them. Be a great role model for learning, then ask the people you are coaching to learn in the same way that you are. As an executive coach, I find that my clients can learn a lot more from their key stakeholders than they ever learn from me.

• As a friend and family member: Ask your loved ones how you can be a better partner, friend, parent or child. Listen to their ideas. Don’t get so busy with work that you forget that they are the most important people in your life.

Improving interpersonal relationships doesn’t have to take a lot of our time. It does require having the courage to ask for important people’s opinions and the discipline to follow up and do something about what we learn.

Who do you need to ask? What is your first question?

Dr. Marshall Goldsmith’s 28 books include: Mojo: How to Get It, How to Keep It, and How to Get It Back When You Lose It! – aNew York Times (advice), Wall Street Journal (business), USA Today (money) and Publisher’s Weekly (non-fiction) best seller, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There – a New York Times best-seller, Wall Street Journal #1 business book and Harold Longman Award winner for Business Book of the Year. Succession: Are You Ready? is the newest edition to theHarvard Business ’Memo to the CEO’ series.   His personal website,www.MarshallGoldsmithLibrary.com, contains hundreds of his articles and videos.

Anger is something that will strike when you least expect it.  You’re running late for an appointment and there’s traffic ahead.  As you sit there, the anger beings to build and fester.  The car in front of you stops to let what seems like twenty cars merge ahead of you.  You lay on the horn and yell a few choice words while shaking a fist.  Anger wins.

You’re at the grocery store with a full cart.  As you approach the checkout, you see only two cashiers working and a line of carts piled high waiting to checkout.  As you stand there, your cashier’s light begins to flash.  “What’s the hold up?’  Someone has a stack of coupons and they’re questioning the price of almost every item.  You get so angry, you push your cart off to the side and storm out of the store, revving your engine as you tear out of the parking lot.  Anger wins.

Of course this has never happened to you, but possibly someone you know? I could go through a million more scenarios, but you get the picture.  The thing about anger is that it’s a feeling.  Anger is defined as a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility.  And who’s responsible for the way we feel?  We are.

That means you must take responsibility for your own anger.  I know it’s easy to blame our anger on others.  In the case of the traffic jam, you could blame being late on the car in front of you.  The grocery store could be blamed for the lack of cashiers working.  But in the end, you’re responsible for your response to the situation.  You didn’t have to let your anger escalate.  You have a choice.  You can become angry, which doesn’t solve anything, or you can choose a different path.

The next time you’re in a situation and you feel that anger is about to win, try following these three simple steps:

1. Pause. You’ve recognized you’re becoming angry.   Before it escalates, catch yourself in the moment.

2. Reflect. Ask yourself, “Why am I angry?”  Follow your anger back to its root cause.  You were angry in traffic because YOU were running late already.  You’re angry in the grocery store because YOU don’t like to wait in line.  It’s all about you and once you can realize that, you’ll be able control your anger

3. Move forward. Make the decision not to get angry.  Instead, find a different path.  No pun intended in regards to the traffic example!  Think about it like this:  You could waste your time and energy getting angry and probably take other people down with you OR you could choose to conquer your anger and continue on.

Here’s another way to think about it:  Change the meaning.  Find the opportunity in the situation.  The traffic jam gives you time to call someone you love or to think with no distractions. Maybe the person at the grocery store is going through hard times right now and every penny counts. See how that changes your perception and in turn, your anger?

In the end, you’re the only one who can control how you feel and how you react to certain situations.  The blame can’t be forced on others.  “He/she/it made me angry” isn’t an excuse anymore.

Conquer your anger today and see what a difference it makes.

Some of us carry around these bags of head trash because we are afraid to let go of the past. Some of us hold onto them like a safety blanket and others just like to wallow in their own negativity.  Some of us don’t even realize we’re doing it because it’s become such a habit.

It’s important to “take out the trash” and clear our minds of negativity.  If you fail to do so, you’ll pollute your mind so much so that your ability to do good, to work towards the positive, and to achieve your personal fulfillment and successes will be stifled.  Think about it like this:  Every negative thought is piled in your brain – every regret you dwell on, every grudge you bare, every slight that’s never been forgiven.  You can only stack so much mind trash on top of mind trash before one thought (however small it may be) can cause all your head trash to come toppling down.  The result of the crash on you and those around you, especially the ones you love, could be catastrophic.

But you’re not alone in this.  Everyone has “baggage.”  Everyone has negative thoughts.  If they tell you otherwise, they’re not being honest with themselves.

The good news is everyone has the ability to take out the trash, just like everyone has the ability to succeed.  You just have to take the right actions.  The non-so-good news is that it can’t be done all at once.  You’ve got years of that stuff piled high, even though you may not realize it.  For some, it’s just a bit of clutter, for others, it’s like an episode of Hoarders.  It’s important to stay calm and not to feel overwhelmed.

So, are you ready to take out the trash?  The methods for clearing out head trash are different for everyone. Although, everyone clears it out one piece at a time.  It could be as simple as making the choice to forgive someone for a slight.  Maybe you need to mimic the action of actually throwing your head trash away by writing your thoughts out and throwing them away.  Or it could be that you need to voice your concerns.  If you run into trouble, don’t be afraid to ask for help.

In the end, being able to clear out this head trash will create new opportunities.  It will bring new life to you.  You’ll be able to look in the mirror and notice that the change within you has radiated outwards.  Don’t believe me?  Take a picture of yourself today.  When you’re done clearing away the worst of the head trash, take a picture of yourself again.  Compare the two – the differences may be slight, but I think you’ll see there is a positive difference.  Your wrinkles won’t magically disappear, what will change is the way you wear them.

Head trash and resentment will destroy you. Get rid of it so you can live the life you deserve. When your mind is clear of negativity, you’ll have the so much more time and space to dedicate positive energy towards your personal fulfillment.

So, what do you do?  In order to be ambitious you must have purpose.  Ambition is driven by your passion. What are you passionate about?  What really gets you fired up?  What inspires you to get on your feet and get to work?

Next, take a look at your aptitude.  What natural abilities do you have?  What are you good at doing? It’s important to be honest here.  For example, I want to be an artist. Unfortunately for me, I have zero aptitude in this area. I may have ambition, willingness and passion but no aptitude. So look carefully at your strengths.

Now, ask yourself how your strengths and abilities match up with your passion.  What can you do that will combine both your ambition and your aptitude? Personally, I enjoy teaching and sharing ideas with others. I also have a strong aptitude for speaking to groups while building meaningful relationships. I understand this aptitude and combined it with my ambition to be a great speaker along with my passion to serve others.

I am also passionate about poverty and its impact on children.  I wanted to make a difference and use skills as a speaker and a connector.  Long story short, I’m now an advisory board member of the got breakfast? Foundation. The Foundation’s mission is to ensure that every child, regardless of background, starts the school day with a nutritious breakfast in order to learn, grow and develop to his or her fullest potential.

You see, in both examples I was able to match my ambition with my aptitude.  From there, I’ve been able to feel fulfilled and that fulfillment has helped me become more successful in other aspects of my life.

But this article isn’t about me, it’s about you. My hope is these examples will get you thinking about what really want.

What’s your ambition?  How can you use your aptitude to achieve that ambition?

As legendary football coach Vince Lombardi famously stated, “Winning isn’t everything — it’s the only thing.”

Less known, though, is his addendum to that chestnut: “If winning isn’t everything, then why do they keep score?”

We should expect to find such total devotion to victory in the world of athletics. For the coach of a sports team, winning really is everything. All the mental and physical preparation is aimed at achieving one simple objective: Beating your opponent by scoring more points, runs, goals, etc.

Is winning everything in business, though?

People in the corporate world certainly speak in those terms with unfailing regularity, and they apply sports and even martial metaphors to their missions.

But do these methods accomplish what they should in the sphere of business — that is, motivating the workforce for the sake of organizational success?

More importantly, what is our definition of winning?

Obviously, the meaning of winning will vary from company to company. But let’s say that it’s defined as beating the main competitor in your industry. What does that mean, really? Getting more of its market share? Taking its high-potential employees? Putting it out of business altogether?

What if the two companies (yours and theirs) are in a field that has become unprofitable? “Winning” in the narrow sense of defeating the other organization ultimately will mean little if both businesses fail to bring in more money than they’re spending.

Whatever your concept of winning, it needs to serve the well-being of your enterprise. Hence, it might not involve competition with another organization. Granted, competition is usually a great motivator for increased performance.

However, your concept of winning might be a process of continual self-improvement, more akin to a sprinter who attempts to run the 100-yard dash at quicker speeds than a football team looking forward to a weekend match against its big rival.

It’s about pride in the work you do — knowing that you’ve pushed yourself to the best you can be, not because of the other guy out there, but rather, because of the nagging voice inside you.

As talent managers, you should understand what your company needs to fulfill its purpose and what you have to do to help it get there.

Think about what workforce challenges stand between your organization’s overall mission and how you can help it surmount those obstacles.

But even that’s not enough — there’s more to performance than just winning.

From an individual point of view, having genuine interest and excitement in doing what it takes to achieve those goals is as important as actually achieving them, if not more so.

It’s much harder to find the will to win if you don’t believe in what you’re doing in the first place, and even if you do succeed, your victories will ring hollow.

Sure, you might be able to run fast, but what does it matter if music is your real passion? For you, placing first in a 5K will never compare to playing back up in a band.

Therefore, it’s important that you not only have a clear understanding of your organization’s objectives and the reasoning behind them, but also an intense passion for performing well in your role.

As basketball coach Phil Jackson said, “Winning is important to me, but what brings me real joy is the experience of being fully engaged in whatever I’m doing.”

Or, to quote Vince Lombardi again, “If you aren’t fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.”

Dr. Marshall Goldsmith’s 28 books include: Mojo: How to Get It, How to Keep It, and How to Get It Back When You Lose It! – aNew York Times (advice), Wall Street Journal (business), USA Today (money) and Publisher’s Weekly (non-fiction) best seller, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There – a New York Times best-seller, Wall Street Journal #1 business book and Harold Longman Award winner for Business Book of the Year. Succession: Are You Ready? is the newest edition to theHarvard Business ’Memo to the CEO’ series.   His personal website,www.MarshallGoldsmithLibrary.com, contains hundreds of his articles and videos.

This week, we’ll uncover step two:  fulfilling who you can become.

Fulfilling who you can become means that you have to uncover your personal best.  Your best can only be defined by, you guessed it, YOU.  It’s not about being the best for one person or one group of people.  Although, the motives for becoming the best you can be driven by being the best husband, mother, father, etc., but in the end it’s the actions YOU take that define who you are.

Becoming who you are is an evolution. It’s about commitment, conviction and finding fulfillment in the journey, not in the final outcome. That’s because there is no final outcome. There’s no final piece that says you’ve reached your destination. Life just doesn’t work like that. Life is a process to be lived, not a destination that can be reached.

When you define your core principles and remain true to those principles, then you can stay on that path and know that you’re fulfilling your own destiny — a destiny that you can be proud of.

So how do you start?  First, put into action the “good” things that you already know.  Start simple. Pick three things you want to improve on in your life and come up with everyday actions to improve them. “Spend more time with my family” is one I see a lot. Most people have good intentions, but get too busy with day to day. If spending more time with your family is one of your three items, try asking your family what they want to do.  All my daughter may want to do is play on the floor.  It’s simple, it’s free, and it means more to her than dinner out.  You see, humility is more about having a “you first” not “me first” mentality. Give it a try.

See, I told you it was simple.

Start today. Start living life you’ve dreamed of and make it a reality.

You see, adding humility into your own life isn’t hard if you truly understand what humility is. It’s an understanding of what and who you really are. Followed by an honest attempt to fulfill who you can become. Only two steps and you’re on you way.

The first and hardest step toward humility is recognizing your own flaws. Remember, you have good in the worst of you and bad in the best. By identifying and understanding your flaws you can begin to clear away the head trash and move towards a balanced view of your own life. Once you can do that, then you can receive all the good that’s in this world – Corny I know, but true nonetheless. I believe a big part of this is appreciation. When you appreciate what you have (other than material things) you begin to understand how important it is to share with others.

Why not add humility to your everyday “to do list?” It’s doesn’t cost a dime and the effort pales in comparison to the reward you will receive. Before you start thinking “The Secret,” that’s not what I’m talking about. Actions of humility requires work. It’s NOT something you just try really hard to believe and then suddenly, blam – you’re rich, happy and good-looking.

Want to learn the second step that will set you on the right course to living a life of humility? Come back next week for the answer…

Talent management is a field that requires a healthy dose of leadership on the part of its practitioners, who must be innovators and influencers. And despite the apparent novelty of the concept of “talent management,” that’s always been true.

What’s changed, however, is the way people are led. Gone are the days when leaders could be — indeed, were expected to be — aloof and unapproachable, handing out orders from on high like some sort of demigod. Because of revolutionary transformations in the business world, though, the traditional relationships between employees and employers have changed.

Leaders today must see their direct reports as partners, not underlings. Successful leaders will work hard to build meaningful relationships with the people who work under them. Ideally, these bonds will be open, honest, respectful and multidirectional.

Managers of knowledge workers (that is, people who know more about what they do than those above them) must be good partners. They won’t have a choice! If they are not great partners, they won’t have great people.

What are the implications of all this for talent managers? Well, they have to cultivate the following communicative behaviors in the leadership tier of their organizations, as well as in themselves.

Active Listening

The thing about listening that escapes most people is they think of it as a passive activity. It doesn’t require any real effort on their part — they just sit there and hear someone talking. Of course, this is all wrong. Good listeners consider what they do an active process.

There are three things all good listeners do, all of which relate to one another. First, they think before they respond. Second, they listen with respect. Finally, they always evaluate their reply against the question, “Is it worth it?” If you can master these, you can be an effective listener.

Expressing Gratitude

Thanking someone for a job well done is important because it conveys one of our most basic and valuable emotions: gratitude. This is a genuine and complex feeling, not some meaningless abstraction. Gratitude is either felt, or it isn’t — it cannot be expected or exacted.

When someone does something nice for you, they expect gratitude, and they think less of you for withholding it. Think about it. If you gave a gift to someone who didn’t subsequently express authentic appreciation somehow, how would you feel about that person?

Here’s an exercise to get you started: Think about who has helped you progress in your career and write down the names of 25 people who are most responsible for your success. Then ask yourself whether you’ve really expressed gratitude to these individuals for their counsel and support. Before you do anything else, write each of them a thank-you note.

This isn’t just some exercise to make you feel better about yourself. In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s humbling because it shows you how many people you owe for your professional achievements. Similarly, you should thank employees who make you look good with their numerous accomplishments.

Dr. Marshall Goldsmith’s 28 books include: Mojo: How to Get It, How to Keep It, and How to Get It Back When You Lose It! – aNew York Times (advice), Wall Street Journal (business), USA Today (money) and Publisher’s Weekly (non-fiction) best seller, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There – a New York Times best-seller, Wall Street Journal #1 business book and Harold Longman Award winner for Business Book of the Year. Succession: Are You Ready? is the newest edition to theHarvard Business ’Memo to the CEO’ series.   His personal website,www.MarshallGoldsmithLibrary.com, contains hundreds of his articles and videos.

How many times have you sent an email that was so clear a 3-year-old could understand it only to have it misinterpreted, misread or ignored completely?  If this scenario happens more than once in your life, it might be time to look at how you communicate.

How are you doing in the following areas?

1. Electronic communication. This type is the most misinterpreted.  When writing emails you should read them out loud to prevent misunderstanding, but also be careful with every word you type, and how you type it.

For example, these two sentences say the same thing, but they can be interpreted differently:

YOU BETTER GO TO THE DOCTOR.

OR

You better go to the doctor.

Which would you prefer?

2.  On the phone.  Since most communication is done with body language, choose your tone and words carefully.  The best way to uncover the other person’s understanding is by asking questions, listening and repeating back what they said for confirmation.  It’s almost like washing your hair.  Wash, rinse, repeat OR ask, listen, repeat.  Want healthy, smooth communication with full understanding– then follow this routine every day.  Are you surprised how much a bald guy knows about hair?

3.  Face to face. This is the best way and unfortunately least used form of communication.  It’s a dying art in our fast-paced, web-based world.  Talk about things that are important to the other person – their job, their challenges, their life.  Before barreling into a conversation, try making a connection with them first. The best way to connect is to ask questions about them. Who doesn’t like to speak about that subject?

Have I shared something you don’t already know?  Probably not, but just because you already know this information doesn’t mean you’re implementing it or certainly mastered it.  Sometimes we just need a reminder to put the basics back into practice.  Daily actions will help you achieve successful communications in your personal and business life.

At the surface level, “purpose” and “goal” seem to be very similar. In fact, my thesaurus tells me they’re synonyms. It might appear that we can use them interchangeably. But in parsing the definitions of these words, we discover they’re as different as night and day.

Goals are the specific objectives we strive to achieve, usually within well-defined parameters of space, time and resources. On the other hand, purpose is abstract. It’s the “why” behind any thought or deed. Purpose is not about achieving an objective — it is more of a way of life. Purpose is enduring, whereas goals can be created, adjusted and discarded as needed.

Going beyond mere semantics, you can see the variation between purpose and goals in what you do at work. Goals can be the targets you set regarding the recruitment, retention, development and progression of your organization’s workforce. 
 
In contrast, purpose should be what the goals serve. You establish those targets to achieve a greater overarching aim, one that benefits the business and its shareholders.

For instance, you wouldn’t bring in 1,000 employees just for the purpose of making your workforce larger, would you? Of course not. (At least I hope not.)
 
On the other hand, you might set a goal of bringing in these employees to prepare your organization to support its purpose and to ensure the success of an exciting new growth opportunity.

We often get lost and confuse our goals with our purpose, both with our companies and our families. I will never forget teaching a leadership development session in a Fortune 500 company that not only involved executives — it involved the spouses or partners of the executives. As part of the session, executives received feedback from their partners.

Many executives learned that their partners felt ignored or put in “second place” compared with work. When the executives were asked, “Why are you working so hard?” they invariably said, “Because I want my family to have a great life.” Their partners almost always replied, “We have more money than we will ever spend. We would just like to see you more!”

Many executives had clearly let their goal (make a lot of money) become more important than their purpose (create a great life for themselves and their families).

I bring this up because the distinction between a goal and a purpose sometimes can be lost on talent management professionals — we can get so absorbed in our own limited objectives, thinking that these are our raison d’etre.

A good friend of mine left consulting to become the executive vice president of HR for a huge corporation. He reviewed a study of the company’s employee benefits and found some benefits were costing the company millions of dollars and delivering very little that the employees actually valued.

When he suggested cutting the benefits to save the company money, he was told he was “confused” by his HR staff members. They noted that cutting these benefits would mean a smaller budget for the HR department and less power for them. They had become so interested in “building their empires,” they had forgotten about making a return on investment for their stockholders.

The idea that the purpose of the organization should come before the goals of any one part of the business seems to be simple enough. Yet why do many of the leaders in talent management (and to be fair, in other areas of business, as well) so often fail to get it?

The answer is rather simple: When a goal is designated, it tends to become a fixation for highly motivated people. Add to that the pressures that come with tight deadlines, struggles for finite resources and organizational turf battles, and it’s not hard to see how our own goals can absorb any of us.

The solution to this problem is equally simple, although it isn’t necessarily easy. It requires honest, perhaps even painful, introspection and reflection. Conduct a thorough analysis of your goals. Ask yourself, “What goals are consuming my time and energy?” and “What goals are consuming the company’s resources?” Rank your goals in terms of cost. Then look at the true purpose of your organization. Rank your goals in terms of “contribution to the purpose.”

If we are honest in our assessments, most of us will find some clear discrepancies between “cost of goal achievement” and “contribution to our purpose.”

When this happens, we can step back, take a breath and realign our goals, successfully completing our “to do” list with our purpose — successfully doing what really matters.

Dr. Marshall Goldsmith’s 28 books include: Mojo: How to Get It, How to Keep It, and How to Get It Back When You Lose It! – aNew York Times (advice), Wall Street Journal (business), USA Today (money) and Publisher’s Weekly (non-fiction) best seller, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There – a New York Times best-seller, Wall Street Journal #1 business book and Harold Longman Award winner for Business Book of the Year. Succession: Are You Ready? is the newest edition to theHarvard Business ’Memo to the CEO’ series.   His personal website,www.MarshallGoldsmithLibrary.com, contains hundreds of his articles and videos.